Iraq-the-Movie: Lebanese Cast

Here’s the cast of the upcoming Iraq-the-movie. To be shot (in more ways than one) very soon in Lebanon. OK, it’s silly so take it with a grain of salt.

Nouri el-Maliki will be played by Fuad Seniora/Sanioura

Hapless PM who believes that peace, love and kisses will win the day with hardened totalitarian thugs. One gets tough with Condi knowing she can’t, or won’t, hurt him. The other claims his Iraqi government’s independence from the US. Meanwhile Nasrallah and Sadr are running wild, destroying any shred of nation building groundwork.

Muqtada “Mookie” Sadr played by Hassan “Divine” Nasrallah

Black turbaned, frequent visitor to Teheran. Don’t forget the same paychecks and the same disregard for human life and state authority. To be fair, one prefers bombing embassies, while the other is partial to bombing mosques.

UNIFIL: US-Coalition Troops

Well-trained and equipped western troops. There to help the locals, who don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground, build a modern working nation.

US Ambassador Khalilzad = US Ambassador Feltman

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Saddam Hussein: Jamil “Beau” Sayyed

Formerly all-powerful and uniformed man-in-charge, or almost, now rotting in jail and telling anyone who will listen: “I am a nice guy.” Many people worry the SOB could be freed and back in power while rabid fans can't wait.

Fiend Ahmadinejad to be played by Speedo Lahoud

Nutty president, and number-one Hezbollah cheerleader. Loves going to the UN and giving speeches. Big idiotic smile suggests he’s just had a vision (or a swim). Truly believes that by merely existing he is doing his people a big favor .

Ahmad Chalabi played by Michel Aoun

Staunch, mesmerizing, fearless foe of the old order and ex-American ally. Now very suspicious of America (who sorta got him out of exile) and very eager to kiss-and-make-up with yesteryear’s mortal enemy, just for the heck of it.

Grand Ayatollah Sistani: Maronite Patriarch Sfeir

Well-respected bearded older religious figure. Suspected to have wise views but when he speaks, he say too little too late, or it’s an outright blunder (let Mookie/Lahoud loose).

Bashar Assad will be played by himself.

As he plays the same “constructive” role in both Iraq and Lebanon.

Finally, nothing for you Nabih Berri Baby. However, since you love getting people around a table for idle chitchat, you can be the gopher on the set. Ya3ne the coffee and sandwich boy. Still, if that does not suit a legend-in-his-own-mind Mr. Speaker, we can get you the Norma Desmond role:

[Sultry voice and madness in the eyes]: I’m ready for my close-up, Mr DeMille**.




**Not the exact quote, but that's one instance where folks improved on the actual real quote. Actual quote is: "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up."