LEBANONESQUE

Impressions, views, and steam-blowing by a lonesome cowboy.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Fun with Predictions 2007


Samir Zaayter predicts blood and thunder in Lebanon for 2007 (Naharnet, full story here). Never heard of the guy but since I haven’t written a “fun” piece in a while…
Fortune teller Samir Zaayter has made gloomy predictions for Lebanon, the Middle East and the world in 2007 including a "Zionist conspiracy" to incite sectarian violence between the Sunnis and Shiites.
Come on Samir “gloomy predictions” for Lebanon and the Middle East? Too easy. Child’s play. Now “Zionist conspiracy”, that’s fresh especially when you get specifics. But then again, the Sunni-Shia thing is a bit passe and probably predates the Zionist conspiracy (unless…).

One of the many mysteries related to the above subject: when Saddam is killing Shias by the thousands and earning their everlasting affection, the Arab media and intelligentsia (don’t laugh) call it “fighting the Zionist enemy”. When the fed up Iraqi Shias and Kurds decide they’ve had enough and hang the bastard, with a little help from Bush, it becomes an act of unspeakable evil fomented by the Zionists to screw the Shias (and Sunnis).
Zaayter also predicted that a U.N.-sponsored tribunal will accuse Syria of involvement in the 2005 assassination of ex-Premier Rafik Hariri and President Bashar Assad will be pressured into turning in the suspects.
Come on, again. Even George "Slam-Dunk" Tenet knows/knew of Syria’s involvement, I think. No points here Zaayter. Every falafel fryer in town knew of Syria’s involvement about 15 minutes after Hariri died. I am very impressed however by Zaayter bold prediction that the UN panel will accuse someone in 2007. My bet was on the year 2039.
Zaayter's most significant predictions:
Lebanon and related:
-An expected surprise in the council of ministers that could trigger its downfall.
“Expected surprise” is an oxymoron. Nevertheless, with so-many clowns in the council, surprises will come easily. As to “downfall” the council can’t hurt itself much, falling from its current height.
-The death of a major figure of the Shiite community.
Ever since we lost the tremendous Mohammed Mahdi Chamseddine, I don’t know of any “major” Shiite figure. If you mean we could lose Hassan or Nabih, that’s not “gloomy” in my book.
-A coup inside a political party.
There are over 56 (idiot) parties in Lebanon, 194 if you include treasonous foreign parties. I agree a coup, at least one, will happen.
-Parliament Speaker Nabih Berri will refrain from practicing his authority, but will not resign.
Too late for that, Berri stopped doing his job a long time ago. That would have been a great prediction in 2005 for 2006, though I expect more of the same in 2007.
-The sea of Lebanon will be full of warships.
See comment above.
-An ex-minister will be implicated in the Hariri assassination.
Let’s talk “ex-ministerS” and half the security services.
-A failed attempt on the life of a Sunni religious leader who will deliberately accuse Shiite sources. This will be a Zionist conspiracy to incite intra-Muslim violence.
The Zionist conspiracy will reach new heights of perfidy as Uri Geller will get millions of Arabs to hurt themselves with bent forks on a major feast, in the second half of the year.
-An Arab country will send Israeli Mossad agents to Lebanon through its airports.
All Arab intelligence services, and Iranian services, and the Mossad, and others have agents and thugs in Lebanon. One of them is president, another speaker of the house. So why is this important? BTW “airports’? Do we have secret ones?
-The International tribunal will convene and will accuse Syria of involvement in the Hariri assassination.
Again I had this for 2039 but I want to be wrong.
-A significant event at a foreign embassy in Lebanon – American embassy.
I hope it’s giving a student-visa to Hassan Nasrallah to go study at Yale University, alongside his Taliban buddy (Downside: he may be radicalized there).
-Nasrallah will reveal crucial information for the first time.

I hope it’s: “I applied and got an acceptance letter from Yale University”.
-A solemn funeral procession in the shouf area that will be attended by international figures.
This is the one I SINCERELY hope and pray is very wrong. And believe me, I am no fan of the S.O.B. Jumblatt.
-A major judicial figure will pass away.
No such person in Lebanon or if there is: a very well kept secret.
-Assad will be pressured into turning in Syrian suspects to International courts.
As opposed to what? Turning in subjects of the Duchy of Liechtenstein?
-One of the four officers implicated in the Hariri probe will not reach court.
I wonder, oh I wonder: escape, release, or food poisoning? In the spirit of the New Year I favor the latter.
-A minister from Zghorta will be implicated in a financial scandal in connection with the Hariri investigation.
99% of ministers and ex-ministers are implicated in financial scandals. Hope they are all charged, starting with illiterate ones from Zghorta named “Sleimane”.
-Presidential elections will be held and Lahoud will be the last military figure in the presidency.
You mean there is no chance our idiot culture of no-winner, compromise-to-death, and let's-kick-the-can-up-the-road-once-more will NOT extend again the mandate of the despicable traitor? Thank God for that. Now if only that nagging doubt would go away.
-Lebanese militias will resume governing Lebanon for a short period of time. Some of those militias were dormant and others will be newly-formed.
What do you mean “resume”?
-Saniora will not remain Prime Minister.
OK.
-The government will collapse.
Follows from the above.
-There will be a conqueror and a vanquished in Lebanon.
As long as it’s not Syria/Iran = conqueror and Lebanon = vanquished.
-Three parliamentarians will pass away.
Bassita.
-Many figures will break away from the Free Patriotic Movement.
Would provide tangible proof that there are sane people in that movement.
-Millions will participate in demonstrations and many people will be killed.
That's why I don’t go to these things.

Happy New Year All and God Save Lebanon.


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PS: You can read Zaayter's Syria, Middle East, and world predictions in the full article linked above. Predictions by better known Michel Hayek are also all over the blogosphere and Naharnet.

7 Comments:

  • At 1/2/07, 5:26 PM, Blogger Wil said…

    OK, I hate to use this kind of SMS language, but: lol.
    Excellent piece, ya3ne.

     
  • At 1/3/07, 9:19 AM, Blogger JoseyWales said…

    Merci Wil. Have a great 2007.

     
  • At 1/3/07, 10:04 AM, Blogger Robert18 said…

    Great piece.
    I'm thrilled to read that we are still considered omnipowerful and in charge and the cause of all the calamities and miseries happening in our neighborhood.

    But for the remainder it's been a bit quiet up North. What's (not) happening?

    And where is that little piggy, Nasrallah? Haven't sen or heard of him for a while. It's rumored he's trotting around Tehran, and at the same time in Damascus, sweating heavily in his disguise, a velvetty blue Burqa. Any news? Some of us still want to meet him ;-)

    How's the weather? We finally got some rain. Pissed off the Syrians, though, who were so eager to dry us out.

    Stay strong, and hopefully one day we can start working together instead of against each other.

     
  • At 1/3/07, 10:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Very funny. I like some...predictions lol. best wishes 2007

     
  • At 1/3/07, 3:57 PM, Anonymous nobody said…

    Fortune teller Samir Zaayter has made gloomy predictions for Lebanon, the Middle East and the world in 2007 including a "Zionist conspiracy" to incite sectarian violence between the Sunnis and Shiites.

    actually from what i know the shia have already ethnic cleansed dozens of thousands of sunnis from bagdad and they keep going with this.. for some reason it does not capture the attention of the media but one day the news about bagdad having become 100% shia will hit the sunni streets across the arab world and something will happen ... so if there is supposed to be any zionist conspiracy it has already happened

     
  • At 1/6/07, 3:56 AM, Blogger desmond said…

    Nice one, Josey, as per.

    If you don't mind, I'd like to flex my clairvoyant muscles a bit too....

    In 2007, anyone declaring an interest in politics will be deported and immediately replaced by a GROWN-UP (oops, clairvoyant doesn't mean wishful thinking, does it?)

    In 2007, a Lebanese politico will win the Nobel prize in chemistry for turning the Lebanese Lira into crap.

    And Independence05, Freedom06 but Canada07.....

     
  • At 1/9/07, 8:31 PM, Blogger ankhfkhonsu said…

    My prediction for 2007:

    Best zionist conspiracy comedy award for sustained satire on a political blog for 2007

     

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